big fat WIENERS

12/29/2023
sup....
its been a while !!!! I haven't really had the motivation to get up and fuck around on my computer. i havent had the motivation to do much of anything recently. ive kind of just been rotting in my bed.
i have been listening to music though. revolting cocks are probably my favorite band right now. im not doing well, i dont think my meds have kicked in yet lol. ive also started taking iron supplements, because i found out im anemic a while ago.
i got an incense burner!!!! its all cute and mushroom themed. now my room smells like cigarettes. i like it. its comforting. ive also been sort of playing the guitar. im trying to learn the solo in Ruiner by NIN. its going well, but im still shit at playing in general, so regardless of if i memorize the riff its gonna be difficult to put the notes together. not a lot has happened recently, but i just wanted to update because i havent done it in a while. im not dead yet!!!
i hope anyone reading this had a good christmas. if you didnt, i love you, and things will get better eventually, even if it sucks right now.

11/24/2023
SUP!!!!! hope U all had a good thanksgiving:3 mine was ok. i got to see my family and hangout with my cousins which was cool. i was basically raised as an only child (i have a half brother, but hes 10 years older than me and lives two hours away) so i grew up really close with my cousins, im always happy to see them.
also, i think its because i had another really bad mood dip for a couple days and i needed something to focus on other than myself, but im fixated on saw again. after my last entry, i kind of fell out of it, but im back in it now. and i am in it DEEP. i will not make a sex joke about this because it is SERIOUS... saw is like 75% of my thoughts. specifically chainshipping. holy shit chainshipping this ship lives in my fucking brain. For those who havent watched saw/dont know what im talking about, Umm gooogle it idk fuck off go watch saw you loser???. its the act of shipping the two main characters in the first saw movie. and its like all i can fucking think about. I got my friend fixated on it too cus i begged him to watch saw and he DID IT!!!! This never happens...!!!!! shoutout to ken for actually watching the movies i suggest him . something similar happened with him when i got into fight club earlier this year lol. If ur reading this hi ken youre a faggot.
other than the debilitating sawtism, theres kind of a lot going on in my life right now. im starting depression meds, which ive been wanting to do for a very long time. it seems like as i get older my depression just gets worse, hopefully things might get a little bit better soon. i missed school on tuesday because i was depressed, and my dad threw a temper tantrum over it, because he thinks im not actually depressed and i just dont want to go to school. idk maybe if you thought about it for two seconds you would realize i dont want to go to school BECAUSE i am depressed. like i dont know what the fuck is not making sense to him lol. i just hope i dont have to get put into a psych ward for him to understand. living and existing as a person stresses me out a lot, like not even just mental illness, but being a human being who has to interact with other human beings and be real. thinking about that fucks with me alot, like derealization wise. it just doesnt feel like anything is real. like, theres no way anything actually exists. ive had this thought for like weeks, like, it feels like the only real thing is empty space. i dont know. i am fucking insane!!!! i need to talk to a therapist about this lol
anyways.. ive also been getting into emo music a lot more recently! screamo is ohh my god its the love of my LIFE!!!! i love it.. pierce the veil and alesana are my favorites right now. im also trying to get into scene, notably brokencyde, because get crunk is a goddamn masterpiece. i had an MCR fixation a week or two ago, which was partially initiated cus i have a fat crush on gerard way. then i found out i also have a crush on frank iero and mikey way.Being gay is so hard UGH!!!
ok im going to shut up now. i love you all!!!! i hope you have a good christmas if i dont update by then lol!!!!!
my babies UUGhhh..

10/15/2023
hi!!!!!! hope you all are well!!! ive had a pretty eventful couple weeks since the last post. i think for the last week of september i was having a depressive episode, i cried a lot. (note from future me, i dont think it was technically an episode, because it did not last more than two weeks. im not sure what was going on. whatever!!!!!) i missed a lot of school because of it too. truancy has been an issue for me since i was in seventh grade so this isnt anything new. i talked with my parents and they talked to my school and im having therapy with a counselor now. ive only had one appointment with her so far though, and i dont see myself opening up a lot especially if im at school, but who knows. my dad also talked to some of his friends that own a tattoo/piercing place in my town, and they told him that i couldnt get an eyebrow piercing until i was 16 in my state, so ill have to wait another year, which sucks, but im dealing with it. im dealing with a lot of stuff right now. i dropped one of my friends of 3 years because i found out she had done something really hurtful to me. im not processing anything from it because i dont want to spark anything like the episode i had in september. sorry so much negativity!!!! on a happier note, i watched saw for the first time!!! i love saw sooo much!!! im fixated on it now, especially adam!! i love adam so much. he likes nu metal and industrial like meeeeee!!!!!! hes like, exactly my type, i wish i could date him so badly... one of my mutuals on instagram also loves saw, and its given them and i something to talk about together, which makes me happy because ive always thought they were really cool!!! ive also been getting into more music lately, which is always a good thing. im seeing static-x live in february! i cant wait to see xer0, hes so cute!!! i also saw drowning pool and saliva last month and they fucking rocked!!! i miss them!!! i have a huge crush on their guitarist now.
okay, back to serious stuff. recently ive thought a lot about like, my sexual orientation. for a while ive been wondering if i was somewhere on the aroace spectrum, because ive always had this weird thing where i can "convince" myself that i feel a certain way. like, for instance, sometimes when i was dating my ex last year, i would think about how i truly feel, and i would realize that i could project my feelings for her onto like, anyone. i obviously ignored that though, because i was dependent on her and i was terrified of seeing her leave me. its one thing to be able to say to someone, "i love everything about you" but its another thing to actually feel like that. i also never had real crushes when i was younger. i thought people were hot, sure, but i didnt feel anything romantic. i have absolutely no idea what it FEELS like to be in a romantic relationship. ive been in romantic relationships and i know what it looks like, but i truly have no idea what being in love romantically is like. part of what sparked this was my recent realization that this crush i had on my friend was actually just me thinking they're hot. like, i forced myself to act like how i think someone should act when they have a crush, but it all felt so forced. i cant imagine myself in a romantic relationship... TL;DR: i think i'm aromantic. it sucks to think about, because ive always wanted to have a cute little gay relationship with another boy, and i know how good it feels to recieve romantic love, but i just cant reciprocate it, and if i cant give back something, i dont think i should ask for anything. maybe i just have a bad mindset about the whole thing, and im sure ill come to terms and figure out everything in time, but for now its pretty heavy to deal with.
i think thats all i wanted to say... i hope someone's reading this lol! i realized people probably dont check the blog often, so im probably going to find a more obvious way to link it on my site. im also going to add a comment box on this page so people can tell me what they think about my situation right now, and for future blog entries. ill see you all next time i post something!! love youuu!!!!

09/20/2023
holy shit hi!!! sorry i havent updated the blog in so long!!! im pretty bad at journaling and stuff like that...
its like 3:45 AM as im typing this. i have a dentist appointment in the morning, which is why im letting myself stay up so late, since i wont have to go to school. ive been up all night just fucking around on neocities and adding to my site. i really enjoy coding. i think i could do it as a career if i cant find anything else i want to do.
school started for me, and it sucks just a little bit less than it did last year. I'm a sophomore now so things are less unfamiliar. i have more than one class that i genuinely enjoy which is good. yesterday was really rough though, because i didn't feel good and wanted to stay home, but then my dad made a big deal out of it, and i ended up crying a lot. i was okay in the end though because my grandma picked me up from school before i had to go to any classes i disliked. school sucks because there isn't really a way to get out of it, and it just leaves you hopeless.
korn has been really helpful the past like 7 months. if i feel bad i listen to them and their songs feel like a hug because they understand me. i saw that korn is working on stuff and theyll be releasing it next year, im so excited!!! i really was hoping they would tour for follow the leader's 25th anniversary, but ill accept new music over that!!! they'll probably tour next year if its a new album or something. im also really interested to hear what they've made with their new bassist since fieldy left. i trust that itll still sound good because theyre with the bassist for suicidal tendencies!!
im seeing drowning pool and saliva live this weekend. im really excited. ok i have got to go to bed goodnight see u next time i update the blog!!!! :)

08/26/2023
WHATS GOOD!!!! How has it been!!!!!! The past couple days i randomly had a huge drawing spree and i spent like 3 hours on this one drawing in a roblox game... hopefully i can make a page for my drawings and whatnot so i can drop it there.. im super proud of it!!! ALSO I FUCKING WENT TO A NU METAL SHOW!!!!! Finally something actually happened where i live loL!!! It was a tribute show where a couple different bands performed different popular nu metal songs, it was the sickest thing ever. It was also the first live show ive ever been to (since i can remember) and it absolutely fucking wiped me out, physically and mentally. i was on a high for like 5 hours afterward, but then i just felt empty for like 3 days... 10000% worth it though. HolidayKirk DJ'd inbetween sets too!!! it was fucking rad!!! i got to meet him aswell. I'm in his discord server and when i told him that he dapped me up and gave me and my friend a hug :-) he was really nice!!!! I also met corey taylor at West Virginia comic con a couple weeks ago for a photo op!!! He was super sweet too.
Summer's ending soon which sucks, but i cant really avoid it so whatever. Atleast ill get to see my friends every day again. I've also been pretty depressed lately, but my interests have helped me a lot.
Ok so what actually prompted me to make a blog entry was this stupid fucking JD glitter gif i made...Shes an icon what can i say. Hope u all have a good day ill see u next entry :3

08/05/2023
i joined a webring, so maybe ill have more traffic to my site!! i also added a chatbox a while ago, idk how useful it is though since i already have a guestbook...whatever. i dont think anybody cares lol. this site is just for me anyway so even if anyone did care i would keep everything the same!!!
i accidentally introduced my friend to sludge metal, and now i think they're hooked lol. i havent listened to much myself, but from what i've heard, i enjoy it. i think i enjoy most metal genres. also, my dad said he would let me get an eyebrow piercing (im going to get two, technically) if i get better at like, brushing my teeth and showering regularly...which suks, because i really wanted to get the piercing before school strted, but my dad is kind of stubborn, so i dont know. i really fucking want this piercing though. i think he's worried that i'm going to rebel against him and start drinking and doing drugs... in reality, thats probably not going to happen for a few years. i get nervous walking into fucking walmart, does he really think i have the confidence to sneak out..? i still love him though, as weird and overprotective as he gets...
i hope all u freaks r doing well!!!! school doesnt start back up for me for about another month, so i still have plenty of time to sit in my room and stare at the wall for hours!!! happy early halloween!!!!

07/29/2023
sorry that updates have kind of been slow lately. i've been burnt out for like, weeks. i haven't really felt good. i hope u all are doing okay!!! ^_^

07/15/2023
im drinking orange livewire mountain dew.....im so happy i love the color orange this is like my favorite drink right now...!!!! i have so many cavities lol!!!! i set up a tumblr account for myself as well, go check it out , but i havent posted much yet...!!!

07/14/2023
holyfuck HI....!!!!! im sorry i havent updated in so long i didn't get a chance to get on my pc before i left for my trip to europe on the 4th!!!! im sorry if u thought i died!!!!!! updates should resume soon hopefully after i decompress from all this fukn jetlag lol...
im not gonna make this post too long because im soo tired and i want to go take a nap but ill include a photo of this viagra flavored gelato that i saw in italy... i dont think anybody tried it lol. i got mango. gelato isnt really a big deal i mean its good but its really just thicker ice cream. i also got a sick limited edition copy of Nevermind on vinyl in FRANCE!!!!! france was totally my favorite place out of all of them.... the art there was beautiful and the graffiti was like, so much better than all the other graffiti in england and italy. also someone in my group snuck off apparently and went to see a FUCKING CATACOMB while we were in france..???? im so sad she didnt take me. the pics she snuck were fucking awesome... especially because all of the bones and shit were real.... like its all fucking dreadful and terrifying and i love it....
ok well, thats all i want to say for now... im goin to go pass the fuck out on my bed lol. until next time freaks!!!!!!

07/02/2023
I got to hang out witb my friend at the fourth of july parade yesterday it was awesome!!!! i got one of those huge fucking 5 ft tall alien infatables it was sick as fuck!!! i named him louis :-)
i didnt stay for the fireworks though because i had already spent like 4 hours at the festival beforehand and i was so sweaty i ssmelled like barf i wanted to go home lol... not to fucking mention that i only had likw 2 hours of sleep because my sleep schedule is completely fucked. i was awake for all of yesterday though so thankfully that reset it!!! (idk how helpful my american sleeping schedule will be when im in london though lol)
im gonna watch the crow tonight if i can find time!!! ive heard the soundtrack is really good so thats a bonus. i know KoRn is on the crow city of angels soundtrack but idk if that movie is good or not... i think nu metal has a curse to only be put in bad movies lol (spawn........)
heres a pic of louis!!!! i think this pic is funny lol idk how i got him to stand up.

06/30/2023
i added a shit ton of blinkies to my links page so totally go check it out!!!! that page is probably my favorite one i've made so far. its just really nice to look at. thank god for tumblr and their endless users that post blinkies for literally anything. i hope i don't clog up my website's storage with them lol....
i go to europe in a couple days which is exciting, but im also a little worried that i won't be prepared. but oh well, it's gonna happen whether im prepared or not, and i can stand to wear the same clothes for a couple days if i dont pack enough lol ive done it before...
im hanging out with my friend tomorrow aswell which will be cool :-) Ok this is getting too long and i need to take a break from staring at a screen bye freaks!!!!!

06/30/2023
First blog post!!!!! im glad i finally got this up ive been wanting to have a blog for a while....hopefully ill get a comment system implimented soon or something.